As a dear friend so appropriately phrased it my "sojourn to seek the meaning of her existence" has ended and I am now back in reality. I didn't find the answer to the meaning of my existence but I manage to see the world from other people's eyes and through them I also see myself.
As I went about the last 4 days I realised that I so missed the mobility and the amount of things I can accomplish in such a short amount of time. At the same time I was constantly worrying about things at home. One thing that put everything into perspective for me was what the foot reflexologist said to me. " I wish I had children when I was younger, I am really lonely now, but what can I do......it was a decision I made not to have children and I am paying the price now." as I walked away I couldn't help think about what she had said. She is so right! It's a decision that you make. Whether to have or not to have children and since I have decided to have children I will have to learn that no matter what I did nothing is going to change the fact that I will forever be defined as a Mother. It will always be a part of my identity and it doesn't mean that it should be my only identity.
Being selfish is not always a bad thing because being too selfless can sometimes backfire. How true! This was what a friend said to me over the phone. And all off a sudden all the guilt I felt for leaving my children and husband behind disappeared. I mean I wasn't running away from home for good neither am I endangering their life's by taking a 4 day break. Hack why should I feel bad about wanting to spend time alone. Time to roam the streets, watch a movie, have wine with friends and have things done when I want it to be done.
I may never find the answers I am looking for but at the end of the day I have a loving husband that adores me, 2 beautiful children and a bunch of really great friends that has been with me almost all my life. As my better half would say "there is technically nothing wrong with your life" and he is right. But there isn't a need for reasons or rationale or justification for the way I feel.
To me life is a pie, some people are sweet cherry pies, cinnamon apple pie, some are savoury chicken pies or shepherds pie. Some people's pies are cut in quarters, some are cut into 8 slices and some are uncut. The more you cut your pie the more richly complex your life will be, not necessarily better though. With each slice you share a part of you with someone else and in return you become a part of someones pie. Sometimes you have slices missing from your pie cos someone ate a slice and you never got it replaced......other have evenly cut pies while some have strangely cut pies.........hmmm....little simplistic but you get my drift.....
So what pie am I????
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
Figuring it out
In about a week from now, I will be going on a journey. A solo journey to rejuvenate myself. I will leave all that is dear to me heart and embark on a journey of discovery. Hoping to find that whatever I was looking was right next to me all these while.
I have been thinking the last few days.
I do not really have a problem with my existence, I am very comfortable in my skin and I believe that I have not lead an ordinary and will have an extraordinary life. But rather I have a burning desire to figure out the purpose of the existence of the entire human race. A bit bizarre!
Some people say that I complicate things but I think, in true fact, I am trying to simplify things. Life is inherently simple. It is Man that have complicated and corrupted it, with our strange need to conquer, catalog, organise, categorise, invent, kill, endanger, abuse and deplete. Before I deviate to another topic completely......all i am trying to figure out is this senseless world that we live in. Look beyond the war, politics, economics, religion and strip it down to it's simplest form. That is what I am talking about......at the end of the day. What does it all come down too? Hmmmm.....because if you strip the Queen of England down to her knickers and left her stranded on island she is going to be no different from the anyone....
No, I am not going all bonkers neither am I thinking of becoming a nun. No way I am giving my bags aways. I think I am at a point in my life where I am so at peace with my being and my state if being that I need some form of transient connection with the rest of the universe. I don't even make sense to myself sometimes, my circular logic brain keeps going round in circles. So it is true that we were put here as a test and to be a living testament, as a transient guest that will eventually depart for a better place? Which pretty much explains why life is big huge gigantic obstacle course, some clear it with speed, accuracy and grace. While some fumble, fall and never get up.
I shall leave my train of thought for the now........................................................
I have been thinking the last few days.
I do not really have a problem with my existence, I am very comfortable in my skin and I believe that I have not lead an ordinary and will have an extraordinary life. But rather I have a burning desire to figure out the purpose of the existence of the entire human race. A bit bizarre!
Some people say that I complicate things but I think, in true fact, I am trying to simplify things. Life is inherently simple. It is Man that have complicated and corrupted it, with our strange need to conquer, catalog, organise, categorise, invent, kill, endanger, abuse and deplete. Before I deviate to another topic completely......all i am trying to figure out is this senseless world that we live in. Look beyond the war, politics, economics, religion and strip it down to it's simplest form. That is what I am talking about......at the end of the day. What does it all come down too? Hmmmm.....because if you strip the Queen of England down to her knickers and left her stranded on island she is going to be no different from the anyone....
No, I am not going all bonkers neither am I thinking of becoming a nun. No way I am giving my bags aways. I think I am at a point in my life where I am so at peace with my being and my state if being that I need some form of transient connection with the rest of the universe. I don't even make sense to myself sometimes, my circular logic brain keeps going round in circles. So it is true that we were put here as a test and to be a living testament, as a transient guest that will eventually depart for a better place? Which pretty much explains why life is big huge gigantic obstacle course, some clear it with speed, accuracy and grace. While some fumble, fall and never get up.
I shall leave my train of thought for the now........................................................
Friday, July 17, 2009
No no No No no....
I am determined to have a life. One that is full of zest, adventure and new experiences. I am not about to sit on my fat ass all day and watch the world go by. RECLAIM! RECLAIM!
No no no its not about eating in fancy restaurants, its about accumulating and learning from new people, places, sights and smells. Food for the soul is all about things in life that will make you wiser and deeper. I won't want to spend my time on earth just hoarding and buying material things. I want to built a life time of memories that I can bring with me everywhere that I go.
Yes, Louboutins would be nice but what good would Louboutins do if you didn't know Louboutins were!!! that is my point! I want my sum to be complexly rich.
It's kind of hard to put into words how I visualise the end of me. But it has to be without regrets and it's paramount that I have done all I can to make sure I didn't live an existence of NULL. My life has to mean something and it has to have meant something to people. No! I don't want to change the world or save the world from poverty. Rather I need to make sense of the world....this crazy world that we live in.
Sorry for the philosophical entry but sometimes humans need more than just sustenance and love. We as a race have been reduced to literally nothing. The useless pursuits of things that define us are all being looked for in the wrong places and I really wonder if anyone feels the same way as I do.
Yes yes no man is an island and society is to be blamed for everything.
I am a functionalist. I honestly believe that everything has a function or it will cease to exist. Same goes for humans. So what is the function of humans??? or rather the common Joe, people like me and you and millions out there. Do we function and exist to seek and learn or do we exist to function? But what function? that is my quest!! But seek and learn what? How to live within social norms and how to conform to what others do? This is really bugging the hell out of me. But if this is the case than life is really rather pointless. The older I get the more disturbing it has become. No! I don't want to study why people do the things they do and behave the they do. I need the simple answer to human existence!
Maybe I should pack my bags and go into the remote mountains of Tibet to find the true meaning of life. Or I could trek into the depths of the Himalayas and seek the truth. I doubt I will find anything there because the meaning and truth is what you make it and I seriously think it lies within each and everyone of us.
How I am going to retrieve that I am still trying to figure out...this is my void in life and maybe the answer is flux! constant change and new experiences. Maybe its my inquisitive nature that is always looking for answers to questions that have plagued mankind for thousands of years. So if I wasn't so free and kaypoh I won't be thinking about things like that...........
Hmmm.....so if you think have even the slightest clue what I am trying to say here...I say call me and we will have a discourse on how to figure this out. I wished I could have written this better but my state of mind at the moment doesn't really allow me to further organise my thoughts in any other way. I seemed to be having a clog somewhere in my schemata.
I have given it much thought, the existence of a higher being still doesn't answer my question of the basis of human existence and its purpose. Religion so far hasn't offered me the answer, it gives answers to what we should do and where we will go after we are done here. But it some how doesn't tell us why we are here.....hmmm....maybe I missed out a few pages. Maybe its this continuity thing that is common theme, we never really disappear and that the soul lives forever. Maybe the idea of eternity is wat bugs me????
I will leave it for now. I am going to take a break from myself.
Cheers and out!
No no no its not about eating in fancy restaurants, its about accumulating and learning from new people, places, sights and smells. Food for the soul is all about things in life that will make you wiser and deeper. I won't want to spend my time on earth just hoarding and buying material things. I want to built a life time of memories that I can bring with me everywhere that I go.
Yes, Louboutins would be nice but what good would Louboutins do if you didn't know Louboutins were!!! that is my point! I want my sum to be complexly rich.
It's kind of hard to put into words how I visualise the end of me. But it has to be without regrets and it's paramount that I have done all I can to make sure I didn't live an existence of NULL. My life has to mean something and it has to have meant something to people. No! I don't want to change the world or save the world from poverty. Rather I need to make sense of the world....this crazy world that we live in.
Sorry for the philosophical entry but sometimes humans need more than just sustenance and love. We as a race have been reduced to literally nothing. The useless pursuits of things that define us are all being looked for in the wrong places and I really wonder if anyone feels the same way as I do.
Yes yes no man is an island and society is to be blamed for everything.
I am a functionalist. I honestly believe that everything has a function or it will cease to exist. Same goes for humans. So what is the function of humans??? or rather the common Joe, people like me and you and millions out there. Do we function and exist to seek and learn or do we exist to function? But what function? that is my quest!! But seek and learn what? How to live within social norms and how to conform to what others do? This is really bugging the hell out of me. But if this is the case than life is really rather pointless. The older I get the more disturbing it has become. No! I don't want to study why people do the things they do and behave the they do. I need the simple answer to human existence!
Maybe I should pack my bags and go into the remote mountains of Tibet to find the true meaning of life. Or I could trek into the depths of the Himalayas and seek the truth. I doubt I will find anything there because the meaning and truth is what you make it and I seriously think it lies within each and everyone of us.
How I am going to retrieve that I am still trying to figure out...this is my void in life and maybe the answer is flux! constant change and new experiences. Maybe its my inquisitive nature that is always looking for answers to questions that have plagued mankind for thousands of years. So if I wasn't so free and kaypoh I won't be thinking about things like that...........
Hmmm.....so if you think have even the slightest clue what I am trying to say here...I say call me and we will have a discourse on how to figure this out. I wished I could have written this better but my state of mind at the moment doesn't really allow me to further organise my thoughts in any other way. I seemed to be having a clog somewhere in my schemata.
I have given it much thought, the existence of a higher being still doesn't answer my question of the basis of human existence and its purpose. Religion so far hasn't offered me the answer, it gives answers to what we should do and where we will go after we are done here. But it some how doesn't tell us why we are here.....hmmm....maybe I missed out a few pages. Maybe its this continuity thing that is common theme, we never really disappear and that the soul lives forever. Maybe the idea of eternity is wat bugs me????
I will leave it for now. I am going to take a break from myself.
Cheers and out!
Saturday, July 04, 2009
Brainless
I don't want to be MEAN. But...there has to be reasons why some people are supermarket cashiers. Yesterday I ran in the one of the dumbest cashiers in the world! She is so stupid I don't think they should even let her go the work anymore.
I had Vermicelli, baby food, pasta sauce, ginger ale, snacks, eggs in my trolley. I queued up, put everything on the belt and walked to the other end of the check out counter to wait for her to finish scanning the items.
As I stood there watch her pack my item...hahahha......I realised that she had put the eggs in the base of the plastic bag......and put 3 cans of soft drinks and 1 bottle of pasta sauce on TOP of the eggs!!!!! WTF!! I looked at her and said "Why are you putting can drinks on my eggs?" She gave me the why are you so anal look, took the cans off the eggs. AND FLUNG THE EGGS ACROSS THE COUNTER!!!
I had Vermicelli, baby food, pasta sauce, ginger ale, snacks, eggs in my trolley. I queued up, put everything on the belt and walked to the other end of the check out counter to wait for her to finish scanning the items.
As I stood there watch her pack my item...hahahha......I realised that she had put the eggs in the base of the plastic bag......and put 3 cans of soft drinks and 1 bottle of pasta sauce on TOP of the eggs!!!!! WTF!! I looked at her and said "Why are you putting can drinks on my eggs?" She gave me the why are you so anal look, took the cans off the eggs. AND FLUNG THE EGGS ACROSS THE COUNTER!!!
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
Oxymoronic relations
I want to give my children up for adoption la. Aiyo! That Nikky-doo is teething and super whinny. Crying all day, refuses to nap, wants to be carried all day and must walk around cannot sit down. My back is sore, my feet are aching, my neck is stiff and I am so darn sleepy.
Miss Pong Pong aka Nikky-doo woke up at 4am this morning screaming....I went into her room and was greeted by the most gut ranching smell. Imagine 4am eyes half closed and the first thing hits you is smelly POO. I almost passed out on the spot lor, had to turn off the air conditioning and open the windows to air her room. 20 minutes later I am back in my bed took me another 30 minutes just to fall alseep from all the excitement.
Holy Molly 6am and Nikky-doo is awake again. Why why why why did I have another child?
Sigh.
But you know what she is just adorable. I can't imagine life without my Nikky-doo her smelly poo and drool. I would gladly do it all over again next life but I will still bitch about it.
As for the other Your Royal Highness Princess Letitia. She refuse to wear a skirt or shorts or anything at all. She was running around in her panties all day. She also decided that she will eat 4 luncheon meat buns for lunch. How can ANYONE eat 4 luncheon meat buns? Even I can't eat 4 luncheon buns! These kids now a days they suddenly develop a brain when they turn 4. Before that you can pretty much get them to do anything and wear anything. But after that they just suddenly wake up one morning and have a mind of their own. Pink goes with green, you have to wear socks with slippers, have to use conditioner if not the hair will get knotted and oh yes apples must be eaten without skin and cut into the shape of an "O".
Sigh.
Even with all her idiosyncrasies I still love my Diva and hope that she will have better sense of colour co-ordination soon.
Miss Pong Pong aka Nikky-doo woke up at 4am this morning screaming....I went into her room and was greeted by the most gut ranching smell. Imagine 4am eyes half closed and the first thing hits you is smelly POO. I almost passed out on the spot lor, had to turn off the air conditioning and open the windows to air her room. 20 minutes later I am back in my bed took me another 30 minutes just to fall alseep from all the excitement.
Holy Molly 6am and Nikky-doo is awake again. Why why why why did I have another child?
Sigh.
But you know what she is just adorable. I can't imagine life without my Nikky-doo her smelly poo and drool. I would gladly do it all over again next life but I will still bitch about it.
As for the other Your Royal Highness Princess Letitia. She refuse to wear a skirt or shorts or anything at all. She was running around in her panties all day. She also decided that she will eat 4 luncheon meat buns for lunch. How can ANYONE eat 4 luncheon meat buns? Even I can't eat 4 luncheon buns! These kids now a days they suddenly develop a brain when they turn 4. Before that you can pretty much get them to do anything and wear anything. But after that they just suddenly wake up one morning and have a mind of their own. Pink goes with green, you have to wear socks with slippers, have to use conditioner if not the hair will get knotted and oh yes apples must be eaten without skin and cut into the shape of an "O".
Sigh.
Even with all her idiosyncrasies I still love my Diva and hope that she will have better sense of colour co-ordination soon.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
3 hours in the life of ME
5.57am
Baby monitor transmits really loud cries of hunger. I looked at my husband and he was dead a as log.
6.07am
I am still in bed. Couldn't move suffering from too much blogging and facebook.
6.09am
Really loud wails of hunger. I rolled my ass off my bed and walked to the kitchen with my eyes closed.
6.17am
Sitting on the floor of my living room and watching my 9mth old baby playing with my mouse.
6.30am
Still feeling like crap. Need to shower and paint my face! Can't leave the house without makeup.
7.00am
Giving Danica her bath and she decides to eat the bath sponge. No not just lick...ermmm....like suck the bath water from the sponge. Yank the darn thing from the hands and she threw herself backwards causing a tsunami in my bathroom.
7.15am
Letitia wake up! time to go to school.
7.30am
Mummy I pee pee in my panties. Wah Lao! Shit like that always happens to me....
7.45am
Letitia have you finished you breakfast! Come and brush your teeth.
7.46am
Letitia where are you!!!! Come and brush your teeth......
7.47am
Letitia!!!!! Where are you???? Come and brush your teeth.
8.00am
In the car. "Mummy how do built house?" "Why fish will die?" "How come birds can fly?"........after about 6 questions I kind of shut down.
8.45am
Back at home. Pong Pong with my maid standing outside my house talking to the neighbour.
9.00am
Pong pong gulp down 200mls of milk and is off to lalalalalala land for her morning nap.
the last 45 mins has been pure bliss! silence.....never thought i would enjoy hearing my own breathing......
Baby monitor transmits really loud cries of hunger. I looked at my husband and he was dead a as log.
6.07am
I am still in bed. Couldn't move suffering from too much blogging and facebook.
6.09am
Really loud wails of hunger. I rolled my ass off my bed and walked to the kitchen with my eyes closed.
6.17am
Sitting on the floor of my living room and watching my 9mth old baby playing with my mouse.
6.30am
Still feeling like crap. Need to shower and paint my face! Can't leave the house without makeup.
7.00am
Giving Danica her bath and she decides to eat the bath sponge. No not just lick...ermmm....like suck the bath water from the sponge. Yank the darn thing from the hands and she threw herself backwards causing a tsunami in my bathroom.
7.15am
Letitia wake up! time to go to school.
7.30am
Mummy I pee pee in my panties. Wah Lao! Shit like that always happens to me....
7.45am
Letitia have you finished you breakfast! Come and brush your teeth.
7.46am
Letitia where are you!!!! Come and brush your teeth......
7.47am
Letitia!!!!! Where are you???? Come and brush your teeth.
8.00am
In the car. "Mummy how do built house?" "Why fish will die?" "How come birds can fly?"........after about 6 questions I kind of shut down.
8.45am
Back at home. Pong Pong with my maid standing outside my house talking to the neighbour.
9.00am
Pong pong gulp down 200mls of milk and is off to lalalalalala land for her morning nap.
the last 45 mins has been pure bliss! silence.....never thought i would enjoy hearing my own breathing......
Monday, June 29, 2009
Inspirational, Inspiration, Inspired
Today I am inspired. Someone whom I have never met. I don't even know her name actually...has been reading my blog. I find great joy and comfort in knowing that she found my blog a great help in preparing her for motherhood. Wah! Not in my wildest dreams would have I have imagined that ranting and raving about my mundane life would be appreciated and read even after all these years.
I spent the last 1 hour reading all the entries in my blog. The one thing that dawned on me was that I am so glad I documented so much of my feelings and little incidents of Letitia's mishaps and tantrums. Without this blog most of the memories would have been forgotten.
I kind of miss writing about my mundane life. But with 2 kids, writing is a luxury. So for tonight I am going to indulge and write about my day.
Danica woke up at 5.45am this morning. So it also means I have been awake since 5.45am this morning! It is now 11.20pm. Ha! I have been awake for the last 18 hours. Since today was the first day of the school term it was a mad rush. I had to feed Danica her milk, bathe myself, give Danica her bath, wake Letitia up, get her ready for school. Drive her to school and spent the next 45 mins running around her school like a headless chicken.
Aiyo! This H1N1 thing is a PAIN! Must submit what travel declaration form and must check temperature and must queue up in the holding area. It was complete chaos. So to the Principal of my daughter's kindergarten if you happen to read this........this is what you should do~!~ Number the stations! 1 2 3 4 5....so that students and parents will know that they have to go to station 1 and so on.....not put up signs that says contacted and not contacted and travelled to infected countries and screening and not screened and holding area...bla bla bla....Hello! these kids are like 3 years old. Some of them don't even know what their full name is and you expect them to read signs that says "TRAVELLED TO INFECTED COUNTRIES" I am starting to wonder if I should change kindy for Letitia cos her Principal doesn't seem to be very bright.
I got home 1 hour later and Danica was screaming at the top of her tiny lungs because she is looking for me....sigh....my babysitter and maid were looking rather lost when i walked in the door....i put her to nap by stuffing the pacifier into her mouth. Okay! What next...yes grocery shopping. Did a supermarket run had to buy diaper and food. Didn't make it home in time had to go and get Letitia from school directly from the supermarket. OH CRAP! forgot to ask the maid to cook lunch for Letitia. uuurggghhhh....called home and asked my maid to cook lunch for Letitia. Arrived at Letitia's school, got her home and when I walked into my house...... Danica was screaming again. She refused her lunch and as usual the babysitter and my maid were looking clueless because Danica has been crying for me again. Kill me! there is only one me and everyone wants a piece of me. I haven't even hard time to go to the toilet since 6am! But I have already driven in and out of my carpark 5 times. Nope I didn't pee......I had to give Letitia a shower! Sigh...Monday she has gym class and she was all wet and sweaty and itchy all over and she couldn't wait....so i had to give her a shower. After the shower I was going to pee! But Danica started crying again because I haven't carried her since I got home. Aiyo....my bladder was about to exploded.
To sum it up I still manage to bake 30 chocolate chip cookies while the girls were napping.
I spent the last 1 hour reading all the entries in my blog. The one thing that dawned on me was that I am so glad I documented so much of my feelings and little incidents of Letitia's mishaps and tantrums. Without this blog most of the memories would have been forgotten.
I kind of miss writing about my mundane life. But with 2 kids, writing is a luxury. So for tonight I am going to indulge and write about my day.
Danica woke up at 5.45am this morning. So it also means I have been awake since 5.45am this morning! It is now 11.20pm. Ha! I have been awake for the last 18 hours. Since today was the first day of the school term it was a mad rush. I had to feed Danica her milk, bathe myself, give Danica her bath, wake Letitia up, get her ready for school. Drive her to school and spent the next 45 mins running around her school like a headless chicken.
Aiyo! This H1N1 thing is a PAIN! Must submit what travel declaration form and must check temperature and must queue up in the holding area. It was complete chaos. So to the Principal of my daughter's kindergarten if you happen to read this........this is what you should do~!~ Number the stations! 1 2 3 4 5....so that students and parents will know that they have to go to station 1 and so on.....not put up signs that says contacted and not contacted and travelled to infected countries and screening and not screened and holding area...bla bla bla....Hello! these kids are like 3 years old. Some of them don't even know what their full name is and you expect them to read signs that says "TRAVELLED TO INFECTED COUNTRIES" I am starting to wonder if I should change kindy for Letitia cos her Principal doesn't seem to be very bright.
I got home 1 hour later and Danica was screaming at the top of her tiny lungs because she is looking for me....sigh....my babysitter and maid were looking rather lost when i walked in the door....i put her to nap by stuffing the pacifier into her mouth. Okay! What next...yes grocery shopping. Did a supermarket run had to buy diaper and food. Didn't make it home in time had to go and get Letitia from school directly from the supermarket. OH CRAP! forgot to ask the maid to cook lunch for Letitia. uuurggghhhh....called home and asked my maid to cook lunch for Letitia. Arrived at Letitia's school, got her home and when I walked into my house...... Danica was screaming again. She refused her lunch and as usual the babysitter and my maid were looking clueless because Danica has been crying for me again. Kill me! there is only one me and everyone wants a piece of me. I haven't even hard time to go to the toilet since 6am! But I have already driven in and out of my carpark 5 times. Nope I didn't pee......I had to give Letitia a shower! Sigh...Monday she has gym class and she was all wet and sweaty and itchy all over and she couldn't wait....so i had to give her a shower. After the shower I was going to pee! But Danica started crying again because I haven't carried her since I got home. Aiyo....my bladder was about to exploded.
To sum it up I still manage to bake 30 chocolate chip cookies while the girls were napping.
Saturday, June 06, 2009
Run baby run
Running to destinations unknown.
Running towards solitude.
Running from chaos.
Running running running indefinitely.
Running away from monotony.
Running to break free.
Running from me.
Running.
Running towards solitude.
Running from chaos.
Running running running indefinitely.
Running away from monotony.
Running to break free.
Running from me.
Running.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Talk back Kid!
Me: Letitia go eat your lunch.
L: I don't want to eat, it doesn't look good and smell good. What you going to do about it?
Me: David do something about your daughter before I smack her!
D: Say sorry to mummy and eat your lunch!
L: Sorry mummy!
Me: Why are you such a naughty girl?
L: I don't think its a problem!
Kill me please! I can't imagine when she is 14. Perhaps this is retribution. Maybe it's just because she is my daughter and a smart alec. Or it could just be that kids have been talking back since the begining of mankind.
Alka Selzer! Get me one! make it a double.
L: I don't want to eat, it doesn't look good and smell good. What you going to do about it?
Me: David do something about your daughter before I smack her!
D: Say sorry to mummy and eat your lunch!
L: Sorry mummy!
Me: Why are you such a naughty girl?
L: I don't think its a problem!
Kill me please! I can't imagine when she is 14. Perhaps this is retribution. Maybe it's just because she is my daughter and a smart alec. Or it could just be that kids have been talking back since the begining of mankind.
Alka Selzer! Get me one! make it a double.
Monday, May 04, 2009
Poker face 4 year old
Maid: Mdm, Letitia woke up at 2.45am ask me to bring her to the toilet. 4.30am she wake up again ask me ask if Mummy is awake. She say got cough cannot sleep. 6.20am she come to the kitchen again ask if Mummy is awake.
Me: Letitia why did you wake up so many times last night? You can go to the toilet yourself. Stop waking Elok up in the middle of the night.
Letitia: NO! I didn't!
Me: Are you sure?
Letitia: Yes mummy.
Me: Letitia why did you wake up so many times last night? You can go to the toilet yourself. Stop waking Elok up in the middle of the night.
Letitia: NO! I didn't!
Me: Are you sure?
Letitia: Yes mummy.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Everything else in between
I am pondering on life.
The meaning of it and its purpose.
D's cousin passed away on Sunday after a long battle with cancer.
He was 34.
When we arrive into this world we do not decide.
Nor when we will depart.
But everything else in between is in your hands.
Have a great life, make it count.
I will live a wonderful life from this day.
When the time comes for me to leave.
Celebrate the good that I have done and the great life that I lived.
The meaning of it and its purpose.
D's cousin passed away on Sunday after a long battle with cancer.
He was 34.
When we arrive into this world we do not decide.
Nor when we will depart.
But everything else in between is in your hands.
Have a great life, make it count.
I will live a wonderful life from this day.
When the time comes for me to leave.
Celebrate the good that I have done and the great life that I lived.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Motherhood
A friend of mine whom I got to know in graduate school a decade ago dropped me a mail yesterday. She asked me about my blog and hopes that I will continue to write. I have been thinking all evening after that mail. I haven't been blogging because I really have nothing much to say these days. hahahahha.....yes I have nothing say.
I don't have the same intense frustrations that I felt when I first became a mother. I sure hope it's because I am getting better at it. No it doesn't get any easier, I suppose I can deal with it better. I have developed really good selective hearing over the years and I also learnt that sometimes babies are best left alone when they cry. They are babies off course they cry and as long as they are not in any life endangering situation....errmm...it's okay to continue eating your dinner or go to toilet. Or maybe I am so use to the lack of sleep from the first child waking up in the middle of the night is half as bad. Still dog tired, still feel like I got hit by a bus in the morning but I deal with it a lot better. It could also be that I have a live in domestic helper now and I don't have to mop the floor anad scrub the toilets.
Savitha my dear friend, this entry is for you. Hope that it will provide you some form of sanctuary as you go about your daily life knowing some where out there a couple of thousand kilometers away in a little island called Singapore, there is someone thinking of you and pretty much going through the same thing. So the next time you are awake at 3am look out your window and maybe I would be looking at the same star too.
I don't have the same intense frustrations that I felt when I first became a mother. I sure hope it's because I am getting better at it. No it doesn't get any easier, I suppose I can deal with it better. I have developed really good selective hearing over the years and I also learnt that sometimes babies are best left alone when they cry. They are babies off course they cry and as long as they are not in any life endangering situation....errmm...it's okay to continue eating your dinner or go to toilet. Or maybe I am so use to the lack of sleep from the first child waking up in the middle of the night is half as bad. Still dog tired, still feel like I got hit by a bus in the morning but I deal with it a lot better. It could also be that I have a live in domestic helper now and I don't have to mop the floor anad scrub the toilets.
Savitha my dear friend, this entry is for you. Hope that it will provide you some form of sanctuary as you go about your daily life knowing some where out there a couple of thousand kilometers away in a little island called Singapore, there is someone thinking of you and pretty much going through the same thing. So the next time you are awake at 3am look out your window and maybe I would be looking at the same star too.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Time stood still
When will my time stand still?
I look at my grandma. Her time stood still in 1980. She has never been on the MRT. Never owned a mobile phone. Don't know what a plasma tv is and never touched a computer not even with a 5 feet pole. The last electronic device she used was a VHS recorder.
I look at my mother and her time stood still in 1990. She manage to catch the mobile and VCD player. But off course struggles with it so much she makes my 3 year old look like a rocket scientist. She cannot comprehend the internet and does not have an email account. She thinks that people who use blue tooth headsets are hearing impaired cos it looks like a hearing aid!!!
When will my time stand still?
I look at my grandma. Her time stood still in 1980. She has never been on the MRT. Never owned a mobile phone. Don't know what a plasma tv is and never touched a computer not even with a 5 feet pole. The last electronic device she used was a VHS recorder.
I look at my mother and her time stood still in 1990. She manage to catch the mobile and VCD player. But off course struggles with it so much she makes my 3 year old look like a rocket scientist. She cannot comprehend the internet and does not have an email account. She thinks that people who use blue tooth headsets are hearing impaired cos it looks like a hearing aid!!!
When will my time stand still?
Friday, December 05, 2008
Dramatisation of the Birth of Danica Liow
Danica my precious baby is now 3 months old. Born on 30th August 2008 she was premature weighing only 2.4kg at birth. I went into labour at 34 weeks 6 days and the most common question I got was "Why like that? What happened?"
Okay so to all the concern people out there, here is my take on what happened that fateful day. So here goes....
My husband, D, had been away for the last 3 weeks working overseas and only returned on 29th August 2008 the day before I popped. I was left alone to fend for myself and look after Letitia which is by the way a very huge 3 year old that weighs about 19kg. I had also just gotten a new domestic helper which was clueless. That night D came home, I greeted him at the door and the first thing he said was, " You look like you have engaged!" My belly was kind of hanging really low and I looked like I was about to give birth in my living room.
The next morning (THE MORNING) D was on duty at the Air force open house in Paya Lebar Airbase. He had came home during his break to bring Letitia to see the planes on display and maybe try and get a seat on the Focal 50 free flights. Me being me....bored and very pregnant decided that I wanted to tag along. So off we went....I walked for 2 hours in the hot NOON sun on the runway tarmac. I guess that kind of did it! You know advance incubation like in Science Centre where they hatched eggs under a light.
I came home with contractions and a shooting pain down my spine. No! I didn't go to the hospital. I took a nap and went for dinner in a Sichuan restaurant that evening. When I finally got home at I was in so much pain I could hardly walk. I called the Obs and she told me to meet in the labour ward. Off course me being me again.......took a shower, washed my hair and had a coke before I left the house. I arrived at the hospital at 10pm. The Doctor came and said," Your contractions are 4 minutes apart and you have started to dilate. Oh! You are the breech case!"
Scramble Scramble Scramble...all the OTs were booked out for surgeries will 3am. Finally they managed to squeeze me in at 10.45pm. The DVT foot pump wasn't working, the epidural was the most painful thing I had every gone through. Everything was done in a such a hurry, they had punctured my spine to administer the epidural even before I was numb....I almost past out and still got scolding for moving ! At 11.15pm on 30th Aug 2008, Danica Liow was born via c-section. She had 1 foot in my cervix, the other foot bent (like a Tree pose) and umbilical cord round her neck. They had to pull her so hard both her calves were bruised. The first thing she did when she came out......No not scream and cry......she graped the surgeon's scissors with her hands. Go figure!
Okay so to all the concern people out there, here is my take on what happened that fateful day. So here goes....
My husband, D, had been away for the last 3 weeks working overseas and only returned on 29th August 2008 the day before I popped. I was left alone to fend for myself and look after Letitia which is by the way a very huge 3 year old that weighs about 19kg. I had also just gotten a new domestic helper which was clueless. That night D came home, I greeted him at the door and the first thing he said was, " You look like you have engaged!" My belly was kind of hanging really low and I looked like I was about to give birth in my living room.
The next morning (THE MORNING) D was on duty at the Air force open house in Paya Lebar Airbase. He had came home during his break to bring Letitia to see the planes on display and maybe try and get a seat on the Focal 50 free flights. Me being me....bored and very pregnant decided that I wanted to tag along. So off we went....I walked for 2 hours in the hot NOON sun on the runway tarmac. I guess that kind of did it! You know advance incubation like in Science Centre where they hatched eggs under a light.
I came home with contractions and a shooting pain down my spine. No! I didn't go to the hospital. I took a nap and went for dinner in a Sichuan restaurant that evening. When I finally got home at I was in so much pain I could hardly walk. I called the Obs and she told me to meet in the labour ward. Off course me being me again.......took a shower, washed my hair and had a coke before I left the house. I arrived at the hospital at 10pm. The Doctor came and said," Your contractions are 4 minutes apart and you have started to dilate. Oh! You are the breech case!"
Scramble Scramble Scramble...all the OTs were booked out for surgeries will 3am. Finally they managed to squeeze me in at 10.45pm. The DVT foot pump wasn't working, the epidural was the most painful thing I had every gone through. Everything was done in a such a hurry, they had punctured my spine to administer the epidural even before I was numb....I almost past out and still got scolding for moving ! At 11.15pm on 30th Aug 2008, Danica Liow was born via c-section. She had 1 foot in my cervix, the other foot bent (like a Tree pose) and umbilical cord round her neck. They had to pull her so hard both her calves were bruised. The first thing she did when she came out......No not scream and cry......she graped the surgeon's scissors with her hands. Go figure!
Sunday, July 13, 2008
28 Weeks
Been through hell the last couple of months.
Survived 16 weeks of morning sickness and nausea.
Moved into our new home.
Went furniture shopping and dealt with some nasty contractors.
Vacationed in Phuket.
Found a domestic helper.
Settled Letitia into her new school.
Now I am 28 weeks along and preparing for the birth of my second child. The preparation is off course anything but smooth sailing. The massage lady that I used when I had Letitia was not willing to travel to my new home. she said "No MRT" so I offered to pay her more and she said "You give birth already than call la" So do I take that as yes she is going to come and give me my post natal massage or should I look for someone else.....hmmmm.......
Not to mention the Agent that I used to find me a confinement nanny...seems to be very distracted. I informed her that I needed a confinement nanny when I was 8 weeks pregnant and until about 3 weeks she had not done anything. So I had to go look for another Agent. What is going on?????
I have been so over whelmed by events and things happening over the last few months, my shopping list is still 2 pages long and it is getting longer everyday. I won't mention names but a chain of drama mama events that included someone running away from home, someone getting stabbed in the finger with a fork, a run away dog and me being pissed off cos I had to deal with so many things even though I was pregnant and suffering.
Hopefully as I enter the last trimester of my pregnancy I will be able to finally get the nursery sorted out and enjoy my last few weeks of sleep.
Survived 16 weeks of morning sickness and nausea.
Moved into our new home.
Went furniture shopping and dealt with some nasty contractors.
Vacationed in Phuket.
Found a domestic helper.
Settled Letitia into her new school.
Now I am 28 weeks along and preparing for the birth of my second child. The preparation is off course anything but smooth sailing. The massage lady that I used when I had Letitia was not willing to travel to my new home. she said "No MRT" so I offered to pay her more and she said "You give birth already than call la" So do I take that as yes she is going to come and give me my post natal massage or should I look for someone else.....hmmmm.......
Not to mention the Agent that I used to find me a confinement nanny...seems to be very distracted. I informed her that I needed a confinement nanny when I was 8 weeks pregnant and until about 3 weeks she had not done anything. So I had to go look for another Agent. What is going on?????
I have been so over whelmed by events and things happening over the last few months, my shopping list is still 2 pages long and it is getting longer everyday. I won't mention names but a chain of drama mama events that included someone running away from home, someone getting stabbed in the finger with a fork, a run away dog and me being pissed off cos I had to deal with so many things even though I was pregnant and suffering.
Hopefully as I enter the last trimester of my pregnancy I will be able to finally get the nursery sorted out and enjoy my last few weeks of sleep.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Mummy or Daddy?
We have a Sunday routine of going to the petrol station to get our cars washed and petrol topped up for the week. Since we have 2 cars, Letitia can only come with one of us. She is made to decide who she wants to be with as we make a 2 minute drive to the petrol station. Mummy or Daddy? Sounds simple enough.
But I found out through this little exercise that she can't decide who she wants to be with more. She loves us both so much and equally, it's the worst thing for her to chose between Mummy and Daddy! Poor kid! I never thought that something so minuit could be so traumatising for a 2 year old child.
She will stand there and say,"I want Mummy and Daddy!"
Aiyo! But how to explain to her that Mummy needs to drive one car and Daddy needs to drive the other car! To my little precious this 2 minute separation feels like her parents are going through a divorce. Must be so difficult being a kid these days. I never remember having to go through what she has to go through. But it does feel good to know that our child loves us both equally and to know that we are both just as important in her life.
But I found out through this little exercise that she can't decide who she wants to be with more. She loves us both so much and equally, it's the worst thing for her to chose between Mummy and Daddy! Poor kid! I never thought that something so minuit could be so traumatising for a 2 year old child.
She will stand there and say,"I want Mummy and Daddy!"
Aiyo! But how to explain to her that Mummy needs to drive one car and Daddy needs to drive the other car! To my little precious this 2 minute separation feels like her parents are going through a divorce. Must be so difficult being a kid these days. I never remember having to go through what she has to go through. But it does feel good to know that our child loves us both equally and to know that we are both just as important in her life.
Mummy bring!
Letitia had a poo poo accident in school today. She pooed in her pants while in school! The poor teacher had to wash her butt, wash her undies and put it into a plastic bag and find her a pair of pants to wear! Aiyo! The conversation between the teacher and me went something like that:
T: Your daughter pass motion! All over her panties!
I: Oh no! How?
T: I washed her. She is wearing a pair of old PE shorts from the office.
I: Letitia why didn't you tell the teacher you needed to go to the toilet?
L: Mummy bring! Teacher not today! (translated to adult langauge: I only want mummy to bring me to the toilet, I don't want the teacher to bring me!)
T: But her poo poo was very nice. Not hard not soft!
I: Errr....okay...thanks.
T: Remember to bring the pants back after you washed it.
I: Okay. Thanks again!
I am sooo glad I am not a pre-school teacher. I don't think I can deal with the poo poo of someone else's kid. But I am eternally grateful to Lin "Lao Shi" for not letting her sit on her poo and washing her up.
T: Your daughter pass motion! All over her panties!
I: Oh no! How?
T: I washed her. She is wearing a pair of old PE shorts from the office.
I: Letitia why didn't you tell the teacher you needed to go to the toilet?
L: Mummy bring! Teacher not today! (translated to adult langauge: I only want mummy to bring me to the toilet, I don't want the teacher to bring me!)
T: But her poo poo was very nice. Not hard not soft!
I: Errr....okay...thanks.
T: Remember to bring the pants back after you washed it.
I: Okay. Thanks again!
I am sooo glad I am not a pre-school teacher. I don't think I can deal with the poo poo of someone else's kid. But I am eternally grateful to Lin "Lao Shi" for not letting her sit on her poo and washing her up.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
33 months and finally potty trained!!!!
Today is another great day. I achieved another mile stone.
Letitia my 33 month old daughter is finally potty trained. She finally decided TODAY that she wants to pee pee like everyone else in a potty or toilet. The best part of it all! She can tell you when she needs to go! WAH!
All it took was 4 days in school and she is toilet trained. I can already imagine all the money I am going to save from not having to buy diapers! Next step is to get her to drink cows milk from a cup! This formula thing is too much trouble.
Imagine how light my luggage is going to be when we head for Puket during the March school holidays. No diaper to carry no formula milk to carry. I have been waiting for this day for the last 3 years.
Hip hip Hoooray!
Letitia my 33 month old daughter is finally potty trained. She finally decided TODAY that she wants to pee pee like everyone else in a potty or toilet. The best part of it all! She can tell you when she needs to go! WAH!
All it took was 4 days in school and she is toilet trained. I can already imagine all the money I am going to save from not having to buy diapers! Next step is to get her to drink cows milk from a cup! This formula thing is too much trouble.
Imagine how light my luggage is going to be when we head for Puket during the March school holidays. No diaper to carry no formula milk to carry. I have been waiting for this day for the last 3 years.
Hip hip Hoooray!
Friday, January 04, 2008
DAY 3
Letitia is feeling a little under the weather today. She is sneezing non stop. Only 3 days into the school term she is already sick. How? She choked during her nap and all her lunch came out. On to the bed, on the pillows, on the blanket and on her BEAR BEAR!
I am suppose to go out tonight to have coffee with friends that I have not met for many many years. How am I suppose to go? My baby is not feeling well.
Anyway the usual wailers in the class are still wailing today....but some of the parents are learning that the longer they stay the worse the kids are going to feel. Today only 3 parents in the class compared to the 5 yesterday. The teachers also locked the door to the classroom so that parents cannot walk in and out of the classroom. I the Stalker Mum who is loitering around the school may be asked to leave very soon.
Thank goodness its the weekend!
I am suppose to go out tonight to have coffee with friends that I have not met for many many years. How am I suppose to go? My baby is not feeling well.
Anyway the usual wailers in the class are still wailing today....but some of the parents are learning that the longer they stay the worse the kids are going to feel. Today only 3 parents in the class compared to the 5 yesterday. The teachers also locked the door to the classroom so that parents cannot walk in and out of the classroom. I the Stalker Mum who is loitering around the school may be asked to leave very soon.
Thank goodness its the weekend!
Thursday, January 03, 2008
DAY 2
Second day at school today and the WAILERS! in the class are still wailing at full throttle. They are still crying for the entire 2 hours. There are only 10 kids in Letitia's class and at any one time there are at least 5 parents in the classroom. The teachers are so overwhelmed by the screamers they have no time to attend to the non screamers. So Letitia is bored witless and wondering around doing her own thing the entire time. After about 1 hour 15 minutes. She caught a glimpse of me at the small window and her eyes turned red. She ran to the door almost in tears, "Mummy I miss you...I wanna go home!" I took her outside explained to her that the other children are crying and screaming because they are still young. I told her that she was a big girl and that I will be outside waiting for her. She said OK and went back to class. 
I would be in full distress mode too if I was stuck in a room with 5 kids screaming at the top of their lungs. I am so proud of her, she handled the situation so well. The situation in the class was so bad the principal had to come and help the 2 teachers. At one point the 5 wailers were blasting off at about 500 decibels even the school cleaner had to go into their class and help control the situation.
Why do they allow parents to walk in and out of the classroom? Why do they let children who are obviously not ready for school go to school? These poor kids were so badly traumatised I think they are going to hate school for the rest of their lives. I hope things get better soon or its going to affect Letitia. The poor child has to be in a room for 2 hours with 5 kids that are emotionally and psychologically no where near being ready for school. I just don't think its right for parents to force their children to go to school.
There was this old man hitting his grand child on the face with a towel saying, "You so useless! You are such an embarrassment! You so useless! Stop crying!" The poor child was standing there crying and crying and crying like his dog just died. He literally had to be lifted of the ground and pushed into the classroom by force. He was kicking and yelling and screaming....aiyo......so sad....how can they do things like that. It's not right! My heart aches when I see things like that happening right in front of my eyes. But what can I do?????
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