Life is a Pie

As a dear friend so appropriately phrased it my "sojourn to seek the meaning of her existence" has ended and I am now back in reality. I didn't find the answer to the meaning of my existence but I manage to see the world from other people's eyes and through them I also see myself.

As I went about the last 4 days I realised that I so missed the mobility and the amount of things I can accomplish in such a short amount of time. At the same time I was constantly worrying about things at home. One thing that put everything into perspective for me was what the foot reflexologist said to me. " I wish I had children when I was younger, I am really lonely now, but what can I do......it was a decision I made not to have children and I am paying the price now." as I walked away I couldn't help think about what she had said. She is so right! It's a decision that you make. Whether to have or not to have children and since I have decided to have children I will have to learn that no matter what I did nothing is going to change the fact that I will forever be defined as a Mother. It will always be a part of my identity and it doesn't mean that it should be my only identity.

Being selfish is not always a bad thing because being too selfless can sometimes backfire. How true! This was what a friend said to me over the phone. And all off a sudden all the guilt I felt for leaving my children and husband behind disappeared. I mean I wasn't running away from home for good neither am I endangering their life's by taking a 4 day break. Hack why should I feel bad about wanting to spend time alone. Time to roam the streets, watch a movie, have wine with friends and have things done when I want it to be done.

I may never find the answers I am looking for but at the end of the day I have a loving husband that adores me, 2 beautiful children and a bunch of really great friends that has been with me almost all my life. As my better half would say "there is technically nothing wrong with your life" and he is right. But there isn't a need for reasons or rationale or justification for the way I feel.

To me life is a pie, some people are sweet cherry pies, cinnamon apple pie, some are savoury chicken pies or shepherds pie. Some people's pies are cut in quarters, some are cut into 8 slices and some are uncut. The more you cut your pie the more richly complex your life will be, not necessarily better though. With each slice you share a part of you with someone else and in return you become a part of someones pie. Sometimes you have slices missing from your pie cos someone ate a slice and you never got it replaced......other have evenly cut pies while some have strangely cut pies.........hmmm....little simplistic but you get my drift.....

So what pie am I????

Figuring it out

In about a week from now, I will be going on a journey. A solo journey to rejuvenate myself. I will leave all that is dear to me heart and embark on a journey of discovery. Hoping to find that whatever I was looking was right next to me all these while.

I have been thinking the last few days.

I do not really have a problem with my existence, I am very comfortable in my skin and I believe that I have not lead an ordinary and will have an extraordinary life. But rather I have a burning desire to figure out the purpose of the existence of the entire human race. A bit bizarre!

Some people say that I complicate things but I think, in true fact, I am trying to simplify things. Life is inherently simple. It is Man that have complicated and corrupted it, with our strange need to conquer, catalog, organise, categorise, invent, kill, endanger, abuse and deplete. Before I deviate to another topic completely......all i am trying to figure out is this senseless world that we live in. Look beyond the war, politics, economics, religion and strip it down to it's simplest form. That is what I am talking about......at the end of the day. What does it all come down too? Hmmmm.....because if you strip the Queen of England down to her knickers and left her stranded on island she is going to be no different from the anyone....

No, I am not going all bonkers neither am I thinking of becoming a nun. No way I am giving my bags aways. I think I am at a point in my life where I am so at peace with my being and my state if being that I need some form of transient connection with the rest of the universe. I don't even make sense to myself sometimes, my circular logic brain keeps going round in circles. So it is true that we were put here as a test and to be a living testament, as a transient guest that will eventually depart for a better place? Which pretty much explains why life is big huge gigantic obstacle course, some clear it with speed, accuracy and grace. While some fumble, fall and never get up.

I shall leave my train of thought for the now........................................................

No no No No no....

I am determined to have a life. One that is full of zest, adventure and new experiences. I am not about to sit on my fat ass all day and watch the world go by. RECLAIM! RECLAIM!

No no no its not about eating in fancy restaurants, its about accumulating and learning from new people, places, sights and smells. Food for the soul is all about things in life that will make you wiser and deeper. I won't want to spend my time on earth just hoarding and buying material things. I want to built a life time of memories that I can bring with me everywhere that I go.

Yes, Louboutins would be nice but what good would Louboutins do if you didn't know Louboutins were!!! that is my point! I want my sum to be complexly rich.

It's kind of hard to put into words how I visualise the end of me. But it has to be without regrets and it's paramount that I have done all I can to make sure I didn't live an existence of NULL. My life has to mean something and it has to have meant something to people. No! I don't want to change the world or save the world from poverty. Rather I need to make sense of the world....this crazy world that we live in.

Sorry for the philosophical entry but sometimes humans need more than just sustenance and love. We as a race have been reduced to literally nothing. The useless pursuits of things that define us are all being looked for in the wrong places and I really wonder if anyone feels the same way as I do.

Yes yes no man is an island and society is to be blamed for everything.

I am a functionalist. I honestly believe that everything has a function or it will cease to exist. Same goes for humans. So what is the function of humans??? or rather the common Joe, people like me and you and millions out there. Do we function and exist to seek and learn or do we exist to function? But what function? that is my quest!! But seek and learn what? How to live within social norms and how to conform to what others do? This is really bugging the hell out of me. But if this is the case than life is really rather pointless. The older I get the more disturbing it has become. No! I don't want to study why people do the things they do and behave the they do. I need the simple answer to human existence!

Maybe I should pack my bags and go into the remote mountains of Tibet to find the true meaning of life. Or I could trek into the depths of the Himalayas and seek the truth. I doubt I will find anything there because the meaning and truth is what you make it and I seriously think it lies within each and everyone of us.

How I am going to retrieve that I am still trying to figure out...this is my void in life and maybe the answer is flux! constant change and new experiences. Maybe its my inquisitive nature that is always looking for answers to questions that have plagued mankind for thousands of years. So if I wasn't so free and kaypoh I won't be thinking about things like that...........

Hmmm.....so if you think have even the slightest clue what I am trying to say here...I say call me and we will have a discourse on how to figure this out. I wished I could have written this better but my state of mind at the moment doesn't really allow me to further organise my thoughts in any other way. I seemed to be having a clog somewhere in my schemata.

I have given it much thought, the existence of a higher being still doesn't answer my question of the basis of human existence and its purpose. Religion so far hasn't offered me the answer, it gives answers to what we should do and where we will go after we are done here. But it some how doesn't tell us why we are here.....hmmm....maybe I missed out a few pages. Maybe its this continuity thing that is common theme, we never really disappear and that the soul lives forever. Maybe the idea of eternity is wat bugs me????

I will leave it for now. I am going to take a break from myself.

Cheers and out!

Brainless

I don't want to be MEAN. But...there has to be reasons why some people are supermarket cashiers. Yesterday I ran in the one of the dumbest cashiers in the world! She is so stupid I don't think they should even let her go the work anymore.

I had Vermicelli, baby food, pasta sauce, ginger ale, snacks, eggs in my trolley. I queued up, put everything on the belt and walked to the other end of the check out counter to wait for her to finish scanning the items.

As I stood there watch her pack my item...hahahha......I realised that she had put the eggs in the base of the plastic bag......and put 3 cans of soft drinks and 1 bottle of pasta sauce on TOP of the eggs!!!!! WTF!! I looked at her and said "Why are you putting can drinks on my eggs?" She gave me the why are you so anal look, took the cans off the eggs. AND FLUNG THE EGGS ACROSS THE COUNTER!!!

Oxymoronic relations

I want to give my children up for adoption la. Aiyo! That Nikky-doo is teething and super whinny. Crying all day, refuses to nap, wants to be carried all day and must walk around cannot sit down. My back is sore, my feet are aching, my neck is stiff and I am so darn sleepy.

Miss Pong Pong aka Nikky-doo woke up at 4am this morning screaming....I went into her room and was greeted by the most gut ranching smell. Imagine 4am eyes half closed and the first thing hits you is smelly POO. I almost passed out on the spot lor, had to turn off the air conditioning and open the windows to air her room. 20 minutes later I am back in my bed took me another 30 minutes just to fall alseep from all the excitement.

Holy Molly 6am and Nikky-doo is awake again. Why why why why did I have another child?

Sigh.

But you know what she is just adorable. I can't imagine life without my Nikky-doo her smelly poo and drool. I would gladly do it all over again next life but I will still bitch about it.

As for the other Your Royal Highness Princess Letitia. She refuse to wear a skirt or shorts or anything at all. She was running around in her panties all day. She also decided that she will eat 4 luncheon meat buns for lunch. How can ANYONE eat 4 luncheon meat buns? Even I can't eat 4 luncheon buns! These kids now a days they suddenly develop a brain when they turn 4. Before that you can pretty much get them to do anything and wear anything. But after that they just suddenly wake up one morning and have a mind of their own. Pink goes with green, you have to wear socks with slippers, have to use conditioner if not the hair will get knotted and oh yes apples must be eaten without skin and cut into the shape of an "O".

Sigh.

Even with all her idiosyncrasies I still love my Diva and hope that she will have better sense of colour co-ordination soon.